Prison Journal: December 2018

Sat, 1 Dec 2018 [429 + 301]

Fucking kitchen. Breakfast almost got me killed. People were acting nuts over a damned dry tasteless piece of coffee cake. The staff allowed each person one piece (one piece of coffee cake as a grown man’s entire breakfast!) and the pieces were irregularly cut – some were like 3″ x 3″ and other were 3″ x 1.5″ and others where 1.5″ x 1.5″). One huge black guy started pounding his chest demanding more than everyone else got. One of the other guys grabbed a plastic bag and give him three pieces and then he got two pieces on a tray. I refused to participate. I clarified with the staff (Chiffon) that only one piece per person. Another black guy got pissed when I said I can’t and someone else gave it to him. Later he came back and threatened me non-specifically – just that I was expected to give them whatever and not tell on them. A white guy also got pissy – I can’t remember when he said exactly, but very nasty. At lunch I got called a pinga by the Hispanic dishwasher. Oh, also a veiled threat from the old black dishwasher: “didn’t I know better as a convict?” I told Chiffon that I wanted a new job or shift. She said talk to Belinda on Monday. Ok, Erik and Woods also got pissy and tried to lure me into stealing along with them.

Later BJ (from my OCC SAU class) got in trouble with CCCL police for coming back into the kitchen after he’d eaten – probably to steal food with W. The guard asked for both of their IDs. BJ gave it, but tried to walk away and refused to stay per the guards instructions. I think they called for backup. I heard his name over the kitchen staff’s radios. What a dumb ass. No cognition going on upstairs.

George H.W. Bush dead at 94 last night. RIP. President Dumpster Fire even halfway decent about it for once.

No mail today – Nebraskans too lazy to deliver the mail on Saturdays now. No prescriptions either.

Nebraskans are lazy. Too lazy to do the actual work of justice.: collecting and assessing facts and finding the truth. So as lazy people usually do, they make things very easy for themselves. They avoid the work of determining who is really a drug delivered and just say that anything with drugs is a drug deliverer. They’re lazy about their politics: they’ll vote for any moron with “Republican” on their nameplate. They’ll believe any negative things about a person if it matches a lazy stereotype they have about a group of people. They won’t deliver mail on Saturdays. (Research: how much of their crop lands are being paid by the rest of the country to sit unused?] They make it a huge public relations assault that they are uniquely American (they call themselves the “Heartland”) and hardworking, but as the case with lazy people, there is no work put into substantiating their wild claims. Ben Sasse in his book offers a very lazy answer to complex problems of culture and economics in America: too much loneliness. When asked questions in prison, they will give you a fast (and usually wrong) answer to get you out of their office because they’re too lazy to do the work of generating a correct answer. The same thing happened when my mom and sister came to visit – they got a different, lazy answer from every lazy guard they encountered. When she tried to buy a roll of quarters from a local bank and a local grocery store, both were too lazy to walk back and get a roll of quarters for her. <<insert previous section on the laziness of Nurse Hatchett>>.

I’m going to start calling my crime a “religious crime” akin to adultery, homosexuality, prostitution, gambling, drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes. Fucking degenerate Nebraskans. They are my mortal enemies from now until the end of time. Though my battles will likely be conducted with ideas and the pen where there only weapon or tactic is violence.

Other title/thesis ideas: “730 days in captivity”, “703 days in Hell”, “Law without Justice”, or “The Laziest Americans”.

So far I really hate this place. None of the advertised benefits came to pass. No canteen so far. The kitchen job is excruciating – both the dullness and insufficient amount of work for the number of people stuff into the small space, but also being pushed into the middle of ridiculously small portions given by the State of Nebraska to working men, half of whom as vicious criminals. Actually “feral inmates” was the phrase that ran through my head this morning when it happened.

Nebraska’s proving “intent to deliver” is as thorough as playing Clue and guessing at the result after only one round.

Sun, 2 Dec 2018 [430 + 300]

The kitchen misery gets worse. Today threatened by an Hispanic guy in the eating line as well as E from the kitchen. The kitchen didn’t get going until about 4:15 because the lazy kitchen staff didn’t show up and half the inmates were late. The dishwasher crew didn’t know how to run the dishwasher. A Hispanic guy came through the line (he’s a friend of my bunkmate) and asked for extra oatmeal. I gave him a quarter scoop more but he wasn’t satisfied. As the non-kitchen officer was standing there, I expected she would handle it, but she didn’t say anything until he walked off mumbling. Then she said “did you just threaten me?” He said “no, him” and pointed to me. Then she returned to her position as stone gargoyle.

Last night I went to take a shower and Drew was in there. He immaturely kicked a chair in front of the door and yelled “I want to shower alone”. I sat outside and waited.

?? missing page ??

The non-kitchen officer pushed me twice to take a break. I asked D if he wanted to go first. He said something about E. I said I didn’t know how long he’d be gone. He said he didn’t want to go yet so I said I’ll go then. Then he started crying about being left alone. (He wasn’t.. the officer said she would pass out the food). Apparently D went and presented it to E as if I told her E was taking too long on break. Then he threatens me with something like a “when I tell you something you’ll certainly understand what I mean” or something like that. The implication being that what he said would be an act of violence – just like a lazy Nebraskan – violent and controlling. He proceeded to whine for another few minutes.

Still no prescriptions. No bank card. No canteen. No case plan. This place is far more miserable than OCC. Lincoln, in general, seems like a miserable place full of miserable people subjecting every other person to their misery. And to top off all the miserableness described so far, there is no Downton Abbey for a second week in a row. Fuck Nebraska and its lazy and hateful citizens. Perhaps another title idea for my book: Citizens of Hell.

Bad weather here (snow and apparently some time type of flooding). Good. I wish this state and its hateful, lazy people the worst of outcomes. I would happily drown with them if I knew it took all of them.

Talked to the food service director about getting off the front line because of the threats from people who tried to get me to steal for them. She said she had people starting this week and would switch me to something else. The Spanish dishwasher was grabbing his own food out of the pancake tray. The old super-tall and gangly black guy from this unit gave me an evil sneer like he wanted to murder me. He tried to order me to give him an extra scoop of cheese. He flat out demanded it. I refused as I was the only allowed to give him one 2oz scoop. I can foresee my own death because of a goddamn scoop of cheese. But if my choices are more time in Nebraska for getting caught stealing for these losers and death, I’ll choose death. Kitchen staff was shorted on food again today. We got no Cole slaw or pears. Wallraven said “sorry” (but he clearly was not sorry and wasn’t going to do anything to remediate the missing food). Thank God – two days off after today.

The food here is much higher quality (well except that chicken gravy) than DEC or OCC. However, the quantity is much lower, like maybe 60-70% of what was given at OCC. I’d rather go with the quality.

Tue, 4 Dec 2018 [432 + 298]

Dear Susan Strong – Burn in Hell, you Whore.

Talked to Dad on the phone. He said mom had some good pictures on the way. K & C are staying there still and K has been helping. He thinks there will be some action on trump (indictments!) by the end of the year. I’m not so hopeful.

Wed, 5 Dec 2018 [433 + 297]

Forgot to mention last night that some old man had a crazy K2 episode yesterday afternoon. He was screaming in the dayroom about demons and such. Stupid bastard.

Finally got my prescriptions last night – after 16 days of waiting and 9 days with any m eds. Nurse Hatchett (Ina Thiel) really came through – NOT. Lazy bitch.

National Day of Mourning for George H.W. Bush. This is kind of crazy – turning a funeral of a former president into a national holiday. We’re treating presidents like royalty. Bad precedent.

Still no bank card. I think mom’s letter and the books she sent me from Amazon must have gone to OCC> I forgot to have her change the address. Wonder how long it will take them to arrive.

I decided last night that I’m not going to do the final paper for the UNO class. They moved me from the class was finished. I have no access to a library. I have no access to 75% of the paper that is already written at OCC; and I have no access to a word processing capability here in this dump.

Thu, 6 Dec 2018 [434 + 296]

Kitchen work continues to be miserable as can be, not due to the work itself, but because of the asshole inmate workers. They make fun of my height, weight, clothes, hair… None of it bothers me, per se, but the totality of the unpleasantness is taking a toll. I brought up again whether they could move me to a non-serving position. So far, no action from that fat, lazy bitch, Food Service Director Belinda.

Had to leave the kitchen three times today. Lab work with the nurse at 6am. She is so goddamn incompetent. She couldn’t hit my best vein. I told her she was off-angle, but she said “I’m right on it”. She wasn’t. She said I have a choice: she could fish around in the same vein, but it would hurt or try the other arm. I was not about to let her fish around given her attitude and demonstrated skill. The other arm has a less plump vein, but she managed to finally get it. She was shaking like crazy. She finally got the blood required, but it left a nasty bruise. Yes, she definitely wouldn’t cut it as a real nurse anywhere.

Then I got called out by Property because my Amazon books arrived – 3 of them anyway. Apparently I was supposed to have a property sheet filled out for books and letters. She told me to go get a property sheet – so I filled that out after work.

Then the case worker (Scdoris) called me back to the unit to give me my birth certificate (but not my social security card).

Oh, last night I got my bank card, so I finally have access to my money. Yay! Had a ham and swiss on pretzel bun as kitchen lunch was a disgusting hunk of roast beef and sloppy-ass mashed potatoes. Quite disgusting.

Got violent diarrhea that first hit around 12pm. Roommate A also complained of the same. While spewing forth in the toilet, I had several other sufferers emitting the same sounds of illness. The only breakfast A and I had in common was the generic Lucky Charms (Sugar Shapes) as I didn’t eat the Malt o Meal or toast and he didn’t have the waffles or syrup. Maybe also the water, milk, or juice? I didn’t eat at the lunch at all so couldn’t be that. Last night was fish, yellow cake, and …

?? missing page??

The tall black guy that demands help stealing food and mean-mugs when I refuse busted the glass out of the serving case this morning trying to steal sack lunches. What a goddamn degenerate!

Another fire alarm today. Second one since I’ve been here.

The kitchen here has a problem making the right amount of food. We always run out of stuff and the kitchen workers bear the brunt of it. The first week I was here (in the kitchen), we ran out of 3/4 of the items by the time that we got our food: the grease triangle patties, lima beans, and pudding. They added an orange to replace the lima beans and a few people go the grease patties, but we took it up the butt on the rest. Earlier this week (or maybe it was the weekend), we were supposed to get pears, but ran out. Wallraven said “sorry, tough luck”. The other event was Linda and Chiffon. Today there was not enough toast or malt o meal. they replace the toast with waffles, which was good, but the malt o meal replacement was shitty-ass grits (Linda, Chiffon).

Found out I need to write Dorton to get signed up for getting a Nebraska ID card. Sent an IIR this afternoon.

Apparently some guy in Dan’s education class walked off to go to a convenient store – ha. Must be a Nebraskan. The guys at the table last night said 3-4 guys were returned to DEC for K2 episodes. Good riddance. Sorry that was mean. I hope they get the help that they need It’s got to be a bad addiction if you can’t even stop when you’re here and the stakes are so high. And fat chance getting any real help while you’re here.

I was feeling pretty shitty, discouraged this morning because of all the negativity this morning from the kitchen workers and the lady in Property, but for some reason I’m feelin better now. Slightly hopefully – like things are on track – even though nothing has really happened that should have improved my mood. Maybe the clarification about the NE ID that was unclear or going outside for 15 minutes for the fire drill improved my mood. Whatever it was, I’ll take it! 🙂

Fri, 7 Dec 2018 [435 + 295]

Kitchen wasn’t quite as bad today. Still on the front line. I suspect that the kitchen director just lied to me about moving me – because that’s what a lazy Nebraskan would do. The weird tattooed guy touched my hand today. I get a weird vibe from him. I think he’s got some latent homosexuality going on. When I saw touched, I do not mean a light brush, I mean he grabbed it and held it for a minute or so. Maybe it was less horrible because Erik wasn’t there with his evil presence. Kitchen workers were shorted cole slaw (no replacement) – Maria and Wallraven in charge. I need to try and let it go. I’ll end up getting moved out of here.

Wrote to Medical asking to renew my bottom bunk pass. Also wrote to Inmate Accounting because my balance decreased by $6 and I wonder if they charged me for those 3 $2 library donations.

Book title: “I am Nebraska, destroyer of lives”.

Talked to Case Manager Ogg about the books. He said that they would not throw away the books and to just get with the case worker to approve the property sheet. He mentioned Wingate (on the 9th of Dec) or Lauren this weekend.

Tried to call DP last two nights in a row, but no answer. Wonder if he lost his phone again.. or just busy.

No case manager here tonight.

Sat, 8 Dec 2018 [436 + 294]

Back to kitchen miserableness. I can’t stand D. He goes from normal to bitterly angry in 20 seconds – over stupid shit. Chiffon said she was looking for a new job cause she didn’t want to work in a daycare. She has that right. This is a daycare for people with emotional problems: the inmates, the staff, and her too.

Was required to serve 4oz of macaroni as if it waw sufficient for a grown adult male to live off of. The guy with the tattoo on his face tried to push me out of the way and take over dishing up the macaroni entrée, but he was such a monumental disaster that the kitchen lady put me back on it and moved him back to grabbing salad. Some old guys were bitching together about the food and me and said something like “if he was at NSP, he’d be taught a lesson”, except it was said in Ebonics.

Nebraskans are plagued by fear. Their TV commercial time is overrun by fear-based content: lots of RING security commercials, countless lawsuit invitations (Medicare, mesothelioma, hernia mesh, something with Mexaltrexate, etc…). Their TV channel lineups are full of true crime and crime dramas (whole channels dedicated to it: ION TV, the Escape channel). Their paralyzing fear also seems to make them nostalgic for the “old times” when they could just murder someone out their window if they suspected them of a crime or if they were black or Native or otherwise undesirable to Nebraskan white “Christians”. They have multiple channels devoted solely to old TV shows: Grit (Westerns), MeTV, WowTanT, Cozi, LaffTV, Comet, and MyNet (This!Omaha). Also the TV stations fear-based seatbelt authoritarian program. They pay lip service to intellectual and cultural TV (NET), but it’s so underfunded that it’s fundraising week lasts for three or more weeks at a time.

Idea: “Lazy and Afraid: Tales from an Authoritarian Nightmareland”

Or “Scumbag Justice” or at least a chapter on the secrecy in so-called justice. Background about how secrecy is anathema to democracy and justice. Then go into the secret parts of the judicial procedure – the so-called pre-sentence investigation – all secret and it’s where the meat of the so-called “justice” is determined: sentences anywhere from probation to suspended sentence to a simple fine (like rich and famous Hopper Penn got) to 50 years in prison. Why is it secret? Then there was the secret meeting between the judge and the two lawyers in her office before the sentence was ready. More secrets, no justice.

In Nebraska, the right to a defense is a joke. The lawyer tells you when you first call “Don’t tell me anything unless I ask you a question and then just answer the question as narrowly as possible”. He said he would prepare a special question list and that’s the only things I should tell him because he has to report everything I saw to the prosecution and the judge. Does that sound like a place that wants you to be able to mount an actual defense. Hardly. It sounds like a state whose judicial rules were legislated by a bunch of folksy, anti-intellectual farmers crafting their own self-serving version of cornfield justice (where poor, black, and liberal defendants go directly to jail and well-connected hicks have a permanent get out of jail free card).

The other day AG announced his adopted father was a chief physician of some specialty and ~drum roll~ an anti-vaxxer. I can’t remember if I already noted that. Oh, and he said he was a cardiovascular specialist of some type. I wonder if the anti-vaxxer movement is strong in this anti-intellectualism-loving state. That would not surprise me.

Roommate AG is constantly torturing the room with his attempts at what appears to be singing except that he is completely atonal and the sound emitted by his mouth is not in any way pleasing to the ears. Maybe not getting childhood vaccinations causes you to sing terribly and at the same time to believe that you’re good. It’s kind of like the high-pitched howl of an animal trapped in a hunter’s trap after about three days of captivity – only less musical.

Sun, 9 Dec 2018 [437 + 293]

Kitchen was slightly more pleasant today for whatever reason. I guess because no one is very interesting in extra grits. E was/is allegedly sick, but they don’t seem to care even when he threatened to cough or puke in the food. First day I worked with Jody – she seems fine.

Talked to one of the campus guards – the one that told me I had three books, but needed a property sheet first. I explained that I’ve been waiting for a case worker to approve it. She seemed moved by my explanation and said “jsut come up and get them now; I can’t image them not approving them.”

Talked to DP. Good conversation. Then nap, shave, and shower.

Some people are “randomly” assigned jobs that are miserable and pay poorly (kitchen – $1.21) and other people “randomly” get jobs that are cushy and pay a lot (Mike – $3.78 warehouse with an office).

Mon, 10 Dec 2018 [438 + 292]

Arguments with the old black dishwasher today. He talked to me like a dog and I won’t accept that. He tried to fix his own tray this morning for breakfast and the kitchen manager told him he couldn’t do that. I wanted to laugh but good that I didn’t. He bitched about how I made it. I put the cereal in the wrong cubby hole.

E showed me a gross skin condition. He said it was some auto-immune disorder, but was trying to get out of the kitchen because of it. As could be expected the nurse was completely useless and unwilling to help at all. She should definitely not have a nursing license (Ina Thiel).

I like working with Jody in the kitchen. She calls the thieving employees out right on the spot. Today at lunch E tried to give his homeboy a second piece of chicken and she made him take it off his plate. Ha!

Was talking a nap after work and I get called to the case manager’s office. He gave me a personalized case plan. It’s basically the same as the one we did at OCC. Take the Outpatient class here as well as NA or SMART Recovery social meetings. He was going to fake the family and education ones since I clearly needed no work on either one. He said maybe some education release might work out and maybe not, depended on how various dates fell. Maybe I’ll just go for a second job or some kind of volunteer project. I submitted the paperwork to apply for work release also. I sure hope it goes through quickly – I despite working in the kitchen – even though the last two days weren’t quite as terrible as the last 10.

Nebraska “something for nothing” thesis: “(1) genital gangrene amputations (invokana, farxiga, jardiance), (2) Monsanto Round-Up, (3) IRS tax evasion (Optima Tax).

Tue, 11 Dec 2018 [439 + 291]

Watched a great documentary on Martin Luther. Would love to see again later. It’s called “Martin Luther: The Idea that Changed the World”, available on shoppbs.org.

Need to try and find a sponsor for a haircut and shopping trip next week. Might also volunteer for tutoring or something like that.

Xarelto and Pradaxo – Knightlive – another legal settlement thing advertised on Nebraska television.

Baylor University rapist gets off with “unlawful restraint” by a TX judge. That’s the same state that let some white kid off on the defense of Affluenza, but regularly murders its own citizens when they’re black or poor.

Part of being so fear-based is the near worship of those people who they see as their guardians and protectors: police, the military, firefighters, conservative politicians who talk fiercely. The fearful Nebraskans are certainly in this category. They do not think critically about any policies or actions of their armed “protectors”. If their authoritarian masters say they need stronger penalties for crimes, they blindly adopt the recommendations. If they ask for seatbelt and helmet laws to “protect” them better, Nebraskans hand them over. If the police tell them they need to curtail civil liberties to give them “Real Security”, Nebraskan followers give up their and others’ liberties freely. If a police officer says he needed to kill a mentally ill man with a taser as part of their need for order, they willingly give him a free pass.

The only force more powerful than their lust of “security and safety” is their pocketbook. Their worship of the military, for example, ends when it comes to funding better salaries for the soldiers or better medical and mental health services (reference Sasse and Fisher’s voting records in the US Senate when veterans bills come up). If the Law and Order class tells NE citizens something is to be feature, the citizens will begin fearing and hating it immediately – even if it’s their own children, family, friends, or neighbors that fall outside the new circle.

Got a Xmas card from G & D with a nice letter from D.

My cellmate D is yelling at his mom about not listening to him as he described the abusive practices of NDCS. He had some as-needed medication from the NDCS medical staff (like aspirin and ibuprofen), but the NDCS security staff doesn’t recognize “as-needed”. If they see you with a pill calendar that doesn’t have the right number of pills punched out or if you have a pill calendar longer than 30 days from issue (meaning you didn’t use one and only one pill every day – the opposite of “as-needed”), they will wrote you a misconduct report and then shift you into being required to take their suite of useless drug treatment classes. I had heard this same complaint 15-20 times while at OCC and because of it, I refused the Calcium pills recommended by the doctor so I wouldn’t fall prey to that trick. The rumor mill says that purpose of that trick is to collect federal rebates or tax rebates for more people in treatment. Need to research that.

Wed, 12 Dec 2018 [440 + 290]

Only 290 days left… woohoo!

Roommate AG never seems to go to work. Yesterday he told his crew that he had the runs to avoid work, so they brought him back and told him to find a new job. I think he just spent the rest of the day goofing off. He told the story yesterday that they asked him to help move a dead deer carcass and he refused to help. Hopefully he gets kicked back to the big prison so a seat opens up for someone who actually wants to work and is less annoying. He gets on my nerves because of the abusive way he talked about women, the stealing he does from the kitchen, and just an all around dirtball (to use his favorite appellation for everyone else).

Got a haircut from D. It’s not bad for a prison haircut and looking forward to a real haircut soon. Fuck Nebraska. Burn in Hell, Susan Strong, you rotten whore.

Thu, 13 Dec 2018 [441 + 289]

Blah… more kitchen. I feel like I am not going to be able to survive this experience without permanently becoming a miserable, hateful, spiteful person. I seriously reject my earlier worldview that people are basically good and given at least a foundation physiological satiety, they would usually do the right thing by their fellow man. With the exception of ones own close family, in fact, people are hateful and selfish and given a way to do it unpunished, they’d murder their own neighbors if it meant a little something better for themself. Thus is the lesson delivered by Whore Susan Strong and Nebraska. I should be thankful for that lesson, I suppose. I’ve been walking around naively until now.

Starting to get sick. I can feel the congestion building in my sinuses and tiredness in my face. I cough more and more by the hour. God damn Nebraska and Susan Strong and the other inhabitants of this Hell on Earth.

I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow at 11am.

Fri, 14 Dec 2018 [442 + 288]

More obnoxiousness in the kitchen. Three days ago Wallraven said servers weren’t allowing in the walk-in to get sack lunches. Today Lind and “Sgt” Moody said I should go in the walk-in. Then argued with dougebag Moody for 15 more about it. Then the Amish maintenance guy was being an asshole. He doesn’t like being asked if he wants hot cereal or hamburger gravy. Linda called him rude. It was kind of funny, but he’s trouble for sure. He threatened not to do maintenance for the kitchen because she called him rude.

Linda was trying to steal from the inmates too. She switched the scoop from 8oz to a 6oz midway through meal service to stretch it out even more. Then she added several gallons of water to it and eventually a tiny bit more ground beef. Stealing is a Nebraska core value apparently -the inmates and the officers/staff all share in it.

Did I mention that we were also ripped off on tomatoes (1oz) from the day we had sandwiches this past weekend or late last week? Wallraven and Jody were on duty and said “tough. we don’t have any more” and there was nothing offered in substitution They even gut from the lettuce from 1oz to a “finger pinch”.

Sat, 15 Dec 2018 [443 + 287]

Some old man called me a bastard or some such because I only gave him three packets of sugar (1 more than I should have given). Nebraska sociopaths. Fucking sociopaths – every damn Nebraskan. Today was the 15th day in the kitchen, so I’m at the halfway mark there. Linda from the kitchen is on vacation. Yesterday she said servers were supposed to go in the cooler to get sack lunches. This place is fucking crazy. They (officers) don’t have their own shit together; they don’t know what policies each other implement. I am glad it’ll be over soon. Please God, let it all be over soon – one way or another.

I hate Nebraskans with a passion. The one I hate the most is Susan Strong. May she rot in Hell for Eternity. That would be justice of which she spoke, but failed to delivering herself. Susan, Betrayer of Justice – perhaps that should be the title of the book.

Sun, 16 Dec 2018 [444 + 286]

26 scaramuccis left. 63 weeks complete as of yesterday and 41 to go.

Threatened by the crazy Spanish dishwasher because I didn’t help him steal extra toast. Compare time: 5:54-5:56. When I didn’t give him what he wanted, he opened the front of the serving case (the glass pulls out toward the “customer”) and stuck his dirty paws into the toast pan and then threatened me a couple times (I assume, because it was in Spanish).

ION TV – crime TV during the week – is religion TV on Sunday. CW-Nebraska is also religious on Sunday. Fox 42 as well.

See “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” with Dick Wan Dyke. Downton Abbey is back – thank God! I’m going to make a note to start watching “History’s Detectives” too. It’s on right before. This week it was about the 1884-1885 Austin serial killer, who predated Jack the Ripper. They think now that it was a black guy named Nathan Elgin.

God damn Susan Strong. Got to keep the hatred in check or it will consume me. Thinking of adding a new objective to my personal goals to say something that I’m thankful for every day. Not sure if that is productive or just a Pollyanna-ish waste of time. The goal would just be to feel better about life as it is currently is, rather than the constant despair and angst about what it is not. I’ll start today with a simple one: I’m thankful for a loving and supportive family. But now, having started it, won’t this exercise devolve into only the same 2-3 things that are good repeated in rotation? Maybe I should make the task to be “to say something I’m thankful for that is something specific that happened during that day”. Let me try it again: “I’m thankful that Downtown Abbey is back on NET after having been off for three weeks during the fundraising drive. Ok, I feel good saying that – but let’s see how it goes.

Mon, 17 Dec 2018 [445 + 285]

Kitchen was not too bad today. Obnoxious Moody and Crybaby Drew were off. The old black dishwasher has been more pleasant lately – for what reason I am not sure. Just the super-fucking obnoxious Guatemalan ass-clown making his usual threatening gestures and language. Today he asked Eric what room I lived in.

Today I am thankful for my friend Jason, who graciously helped me with some job searching in Lincoln NE that I can write to – to see if they would be interested in using me on work release.

Tue, 18 Dec 2018 [446 + 284]

Tried to call Tony last night but no answer. Sent IIR to Sponsorship Coordinator for another packet and to ask where mom should send the completed packet. Asked the nurse via IIR whether acetaminophen would would satisfy the doctor’s request to avoid certain categories of pain relievers that includes ibuprofen (the canteen doesn’t have Tylenol, as he specified).

I’m thankful today that my mom found that Dish does have Internet over satellite for a reasonable cost and at a bandwidth (25-Mbit) comparable to over-radio provider that they had been stuck with. This will make things much easier for them to organize and get service going at the new place while they’re waiting for me to get home – if I’m not murdered here by Nebraska in the meantime. Also thankful that she is will to and has time to pick me up some clothes.

Stock market down 2.11% for the year. Finally the stupidity of trump comes home to roost. Michael Flynn sentenced today; hope he gets some prison time – for actual crimes.

Wed, 19 Dec 2018 [447 + 283]

Another day off from the kitchen. I’m thankful for the good conversation that I had with my parents last night. It was my dad’s 64th birthday and he seems healthy as can be. Dad said he finished part of the sinks and countertops and they have my sink bowl and they said it looks fantastic. It’s kind of Greco-Roman marble-ish and looks like a waterfall. I’m also thankful that Caseworker Lauren helped me white-out my last copy of my resume that had some edit markups on it and make me 10 copies (for $2). She could have been a despicable whore like the majority for female or male devils in this place and do like snatch my resume and destroy it, but instead she helped. She musts be from another state. This will let me send out a few job search letters today in advance of my getting approved for work-release, actual work-release phase.

I’m kind of in a good mood this morning. I’m feeling kind of hopeful. I don’t know if it’s because of the call with mom & dad or the small success with the resume or if it’s because the daily-thanks exercises are working. Whichever it is, I’ll take it and will continue with the daily exercises.

I want to describe just a few of the intentional forms of humiliation and inhumanity designed into this concentration-camp experience: (1) toilets where people can watch as you shit or masturbate, (2) towels too small to properly dry off from a shower – basically the size of a kitchen dish towel – and made of material which is not absorbent at all. it seems like a design feature because it is marginally bigger here than at the earlier concentration camp – OCC. (3) insufficiency of time to eat your meal at the table before you’re forced away, (4) lack of good showing equipment, and (5) toilet paper rationing. Fuck it.

Absurd case plan is done, which is supposed to unlock my getting to work release. They identified my top two areas to address are addiction and then he struggled to explain how he couldn’t pick between education (and he acknowledged I was more educated than him) and my family life (which I have a great family relationship – thankfully to his credit, he didn’t try to talk me into having children – me, a gay man in his mid-40s, like the last stupid Nebraskan bitch did). So he agreed we were just waiting time filling out these stupid-ass forms.

I don’t want to cold-call “sponsors” to attend NA meetings. I would rather stay in the cell than cold call soulless Nebraskans begging for their “help”. AR said they have NA meetings here every other week for men, so maybe I can use these to satisfy the case plan requirements.

Nebraska news has been full of parents’ concerns over teen vaping. So because these people were unable to control their children to their desired level of control, every other adult in the community will have their personal bodily autonomy curtailed. The news/media creates an issue for authoritarian-followers to fear and they (followers) respond as per the mandate of their hive-mind overlord and begin the crusade to demonize and criminalize more harmless (to society) activities for consenting adults.

Thu, 20 Dec 2018 [448 + 282]

Finished my 18th day in the kitchen. Only 9 more to go (optimistically, at least). While I was working in the kitchen, someone called over the radio to the staff to send me to someone after work was done. But no one knows who the person was I was supposed to see. A mystery among fucking-idiots.

Roommate AG is here – not working – again today. I don’t think he’s putting in a normal number of work days. He must have gotten a part-time work detail assignment. He is very lazy and no work ethic whatsoever. Just like his buddy Moody, who spent the day making sex and child-bearing plans with the kitchen staff – [Guard] Chiffon. All though she was smart enough to tell him that “she would insist on keeping everything in her name” or maybe it was ” on her own”. She said she had three children and the implication was that she wasn’t going to risk having him schmooze or steal her essential assets. Smart move. He’s a classic use-them-then-rob them scumbag.

Today I am thankful that my mom and dad sent me $200 for Xmas to be able to eat form the vending machines. Also thank ful that my mom bought the clothes and books that I asked for and that they are on the way. The Amazon books will be here 12/27 to 12/28.

I’m still in a pretty good and hopeful mood. Perhaps the “daily thanks” exercises are doing the job. Or maybe it’s just the particularly good news today of gifts and help from my parents. Might also be the getting closer to the end of the kitchen time or feeling good about the letter to AeroTek that I sent yesterday about a possible job opportunity when I get to work release. Whatever it is, I’ll take it and I’m thankful. Continue to do the daily gratitude exercises. I am kind of tired – might take a nap. Then some task list items….

Wrote to NRTS to get into the NA meetings that are conducted here. We’ll see what they say about that. I hope I can just go here.

Talked to DP. He talked about a website idea: Deadbook. It sounded similar to my “Valhalla” idea. Maybe I should give that a second thought. Would be fun to work on a project like that with DP and J.

Watched an old movie: “On Golden Pond” with John and Jane Fonda and Katherine Hepburn and a short appearance by Dabney Coleman. It was funny and cute. I might recommend it to others.

Fri, 21 Dec 2018 [449 + 281]

OK day in the kitchen so far. Obnoxious dishwasher was quiet and staying in the dish area. [Guard] Jody was there so he didn’ do a lot of strutting and over-the-top hormone expulsion. Drew didn’t have any psychotic episodes. He was talking to moody and acknowledged that is bipolar – DUUUAAAAAHHHH. I had that pegged on Day 1. I knew he had some type of severe emotional issues. Today was kitchen day #19.

General Mattis resigned in disagreement with Dumpster-Fire. That is a shame. He might have been the only non-criminal adult in that administration. Stock market down 1700 points so far this week. The biggest drop since 1931 according to CBS.

Today I’m thankful for a nice letter and Xmas card from PD. She said she has been thinking about me a lot and is “also counting the days'” That was very nice of her to say. Perhaps I never really appreciated how caring and interested she was in me. Not that I ever thought she thought anything bad, but just didn’t really fully realize. I’m thankful for her letter today.

Some guy got denied for parole today because his victim came to the parole hearing and said she was afraid of him and what might happen if he was released. I don’t know him or his crime or the seriousness of his victim in her concern, but I do know that the arbitrariness of this whole things is dead wrong, vicious, and as far from the justice of a Christian nation as we could be. His punishment should not be dependent on on uncertain amount of time that her healing might take, if it’s real at all. It should be based on the seriousness of his crime and his use of his time in prison to correct himself as judged by unbiased experts. My roommate had a similar crime, apparently, and was worried by this turn of events as it might foretell a similar outcome for him.

Three more kitchen days until my “weekend”. Tomorrow is “coffee cake” day. I hate coffee cake day. Saturday the only food they give grown adult men who have been busting their ass for the corrupt Susan Strong’s financial benefit all week long and on Saturday all they get is the driest, God-damn tasteless piece of “cake” on the face of the Earth. And these fucking animals fight over every millimeter of it. The State of Nebraska encourages violence amongst inmates by ALWAYS cutting the pieces in wildly unequal pieces – some pieces are as much as 200% of the volume of over pieces. Maybe it’s a test of some type – but I would love to see the fucking morbidly-obese guards and administrators of Nebraska’s torture pogram react any differently to near-starvation.

Sat, 22 Dec 2018 [450 + 280]

I hate that God-damn coffee cake. Actually today there was less bitching than usual. Had discussion again with Drew about how giving away Nebraska’s food in excess of the prescribed amount was theft. This time he turned to [Guard] Chiffon to get support for his position that it was not theft. However, she apparently agreed that it was theft. I’m not sure if she told him just to say that to pacify me, but it took it as a small win either way. Later he said “I guess I’m a thief then.” Earlier today he had said “I’m not a thief; I’m a killer”.

280 days left in Nebraska. 20th day in Nebraska’s Hell-ish kitchen (Gordon Ramsey’s kitchen is for pussies). 64 weeks completed and only 40 left.

There is a new ATM that doesn’t work on the lobby. It is just sitting there collecting declined transaction fee receipts and saying “you exceed the number of transactions allowed.” I called my card issuers (Elan/USB) and they saw no problem – they said it was an issue with the ATM itself. It seems part of a strategy to steal even more fees from inmates and their families. I heard people in line for lab draws having the same issue – it was 2-3 days ago.

I am thankful for a breakthrough with Drew in understanding my position that giving away someone else’s property (even if it’s food) is stealing.

Sun, 23 Dec 2018 [451 + 279]

Was hard to walk up this morning. Chewie and Aaron were watching SNL reruns loudly last night. But I got up and it wasn’t too bad today. The Hispanic cook with emotional issues got fired. Well, she (Jody) told him to leave and he said if he left he wasn’t every coming back. I kind of liked the guy, but he was rough with the staff and his fellow cooks, so it seemed inevitable.

The federal government shutdown yesterday and no progress on talks this weekend to resolve it. Those stupid bastards better not cave to give Dumpster-Fire money for that God-damn wall.

Tsunami in Indonesia – 200 dead and 800 injured. Awful. Wonder if the frequency of tsunamis is related to the warming of the globe? I wish tsunamis would hit places with devils, like Nebraska, instead of always the same poor countries with regular people.

I’m thankful that Downton Abbey was on today. Public television is so good. Maybe I will try to be involved in Kentucky’s public television offerings somehow.

Mon, 24 Dec 2018 [452 + 278]

The kitchen-weekend is now started. Today was not too bad as far as murder threats go. The Guatemalan dishwasher seems to be friendly nowadays. He was fist-bumping and sharing stories about IV drug use (sharing via mime , that is, since we don’t share any common languages).

But food service was kind of obnoxious. It was taco salad and they didn’t have enough of anything. They went through four different kinds of dessert before rolling out the plums. The plums are basically the kitchen manager’s way of saying no more dessert to be given today. Only the most-desperate for calories or hold-overs from the Depression Era eat those plums. They are looks like shit and there’s a 90% chance that a gene-check would confirm that. They also look like an aborted fetus of any small woodland creature. Then they put the plums back in the fridge. By 11:20, we’d only done one of the men’s units and we had only done one of the men’s units and were nearly out of chips, beef, beans, and cheese – pretty much the entire meal! Incompetents. Belinda, the morbidly obese and ugly-as-shit personality (and face), kitchen manager eats all the food herself. Well and inmates steal it at every single opportunity as well. It would be interesting to see which of those two parties eats steals more food.

I’m thankful that I found a dollar in my junk box in my locker and found it today, so I was able to have a soda. The ATM here is broken again.

It is Xmas Even, but then again – who cares when you’re in prison. This is Satan’s domain. No Xmas spirit can get past the hellfire and damnation barrier at Nebraska’s border.

Finished the book “The Politics of Injustice” last night. Fantastic book. It is the scientific and academic apotheosis of the crazy rantings and ravings I’ve been writing for the last fifteen months. It was last updated in 2004 (2nd edition). I wonder if there is a later edition.

Talked to mom and dad briefly. The call was cut short by the phone system for some reason. After like a minute, a loud noise came on the phone and I hung up and called back. It said that I had 13 minutes left. But after about 5 minutes of talk, it said we only had one minute left. Guess GTL needed to make up some end of the year money at the expense of desperate people with no options.

One thing they they did say is that they would try to come and visit in February. That would be awesome. Hopefully I have the two-day passes accumulated by that time.

An irredentist is someone who wants land returned to the nation/empire that it once held and and probably contains peole who are culturally similar.

Definitely does not feel at all like Christmas. But it started to feel like that even before the Nebraska concentration camp. Perhaps age is a factor, too much questioning of Belief, or more probably, it’s just become such an over-stressed commercial event: there is no reason to don its spirit or welcome its advent (pun intended).

Tue, 25 Dec 2018 [453 + 277]

Christmas Day. Got up around 6am – couldn’t sleep anymore. Breakfast was very dismal toast and sugarless corn flakes. There was also the gritscreamofwheatfarina multi-purpose slop, but I didn’t eat that. It is tasteless and excessively watery. I watched [Guard] Linda keep adding gallon after gallon after gallon of water to the same box of dry slop mix for hours.

On Good Morning America, there was a guest on the topic of setting limits on Xbox usage and he suggested that parents should “create a usage policy” with their children. WTF!! Contracts with your children?? That’s another of many signs that our Legalistic society is out of control.

Got a “Merry Christmas” note from KP and a call request from TH. Sending off some of my own Merry Xmas notes and trying to catch up on correspondence.

I’m thankful that mom and dad seem to be talked into getting a choc or black lab. This time we didn’t get cut off, but we also didn’t get the supposed “extra” time for Christmas. Probably some crook in a state office somewhere billed the taxpayer for a “Christmas” gift of extra minutes for inmates and split the money with GTL instead. Mom said she sent the sponsorship packets back yesterday and they would probably come visit in February.

Attending AA meeting at CCCL cafeteria. Outside guys Bill and Charlie helped run it. There was no sign-up sheet or sign-in sheet, so I’m not sure how Ogg knows it happened.

Wed, 26 Dec 2018 [454 + 276]

Another day in Hell (Nebraska). 2nd child dies in US Customs and Border Patrol custody. The US is running death camps. Nothing new there. Shame.

Did absolutely nothing all day long. Read the rest of Chapter 12 of “The History of China” about the Mongol (Yuan) dynasty leading into the Ming dynasty.

Talked to TH – mostly we talked about the job search process here and a little about the stratified statistical sampling chapter of the book he sent.

Today I’m thankful for a good conversation on the phone with TH. Also thankful for some nice emails from JH and BJ. I even replied to them both immediately.

I really need to overcome the anxiety about cold-calling the at-large sponsors for help getting to the NA meetings and DMV. I would like to get to the library too. I guess I can fallback on the excuse that I don’t have any outside clothes yet.

Got a Xmas card from HR. Also got a letter from DR with my results. Good news.

Thu, 27 Dec 2018 [455 + 275]

Back to the nasty kitchen behaviors; Moody and Drew are both lazy pieces of shit. Lazy is not even the worst quality though. They are emotionally unstable and tend to violence as a means of controlling everyone around them.

There was a really good episode of “Cook’s Country” last night. They made Tennessee smoked/shredded turkey sandwiches and a really good-looking North Carolina fish stew. It was on NET. Supposedly the recipes are online.

The mouthy guy that they call Gordo got caught stealing a pound of roast beef. He was supposed to be cutting it, but he tried to duck out with it to his room. Linda mist have seen him and radioed the police to search his room. Sure enough he had taken a pound of roast beef to his room. Good Thieves are the worst.

Worst day in the kitchen so far. Moody and Drew harassed me from start to finish over everything. Dirty trays (which I don’t wash and I catch more than anyone else), not going fast enough (from two people with the slowest pace in the Western world!). They call me slow and say I have no common sense. HAHAHAHA. OMG, what a pair of ass-clowns.

I asked Maria to find me any other job in the kitchen. She said she would talk to Linda, but I could probably do sack lunches.

What a miserable day and a miserable place run by soul less citizens of an unholy land. Took a nap and slept through the time arranged for the call with TH. Went to bed early. Skipped dinner – God-damned grease fritters.

Fri, 28 Dec 2018 [456 + 274]

Went into the kitchen today and Linda assigned me to the store room. Hallelujah! But even with that there was a bit of drama. The old storeroom assistant was getting the boot out at the same time and neither of us knew it at first. He cross-trained me a bit and then Linda told him to go help the cook. I wanted to laugh, but I’m glad I didn’t. Apparently he is dumb as a box of rocks and hasn’t learned anything in six weeks. He later left the kitchen without permission and got picked up by the lieutenant. I saw him come back to D-unit before count, so he gout out of that somehow. I said “sorry, I didn’t know anything about what was happening.”

Anyway, today I am no longer dishing up food for a bunch of fucking underfed, feral animals.

O Glorious Day! The storeroom is so much better than the front line. I think I could do another month here, if I had to. I thanked Linda again at the end of the workday.

Looking forward to Monday. The case manager should be back and should be giving points and hopefully my work release application has moved forward a bit too.

Sat, 29 Dec 2018 [457 + 273]

Store room work went well today. The animals left to work the front line continue to harass, but it’s very easy to ignore them now. Still loving this far more than the front-line.

Slept a lot. Waited for a truck that never came. Went to bed early. I’m thankful that I was able to sleep away quite a bit of this day.

Sun, 30 Dec 2018 [458 + 272]

Store room still much better than any day on the front line. Erik came while I was in the freezer and asked if this is where the cookies were. I said no. He said “yes, they are, you liar.” I just laughed. I think it might have pissed him off though because later I heard him say something about “lock him in the freezer.” He’s a sociopath, so I don’t doubt he might try it.

I think he was jealous that I got into the store room too. He asked how I got in there. I told him that I just asked. He seemed miffed. I doubt they’d let him in there given what a huge thief he is. On second thought, I think some of them don’t care either way. Belinda cares because that’s competition for her eating the food. Jody would care because she’s a raging bitch and hates her life and catching people is a joy to her.

I’m thankful that I discovered a new pop machine right outside the yard door that has a different selection of pop and has a Brisk Lemon Iced Tea too. Also thankful that there is only one more day after today of my “work week” (unless my days off are changed with the job change).

I put the frozen inventory away. The other store room ass’t really didn’t want to, but I pushed it though. He said “Joe likes to do that himself.” I didn’t know if that was true or him being lazy. I compromised by making an inventory-in sheet with new balances.

Looking forward to getting first “points” sheet tomorrow. Got them today as it turns out. I got 5 points. I guess you can’t get any more than 5 points until you’re on work release (and have been called up for OP treatment program). So I am only eligible for personal needs passes until on work release. So I’m waiting on the perpetually on-vacation Ogg to come back and move me forward to work release.

The truck that never came yesterday did show up today. During the regular shift Andrew and Erik kept coming into the store room to steal food (cookies and chips) and sit around to avoid working. Andrew is gay as Christmas and keeps making gay innuendo; he plays it off as making fun of me but he knows way too much about gay sex and talk about it way too much. I guess I wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating crackers.

Glad tomorrow is my work “Friday”. Ready for a couple days of sleeping in.

Mon, 31 Dec 2018 [459 + 271]

Burn in Hell, Susan Strong, you whore. I still hate your guts despite the daily mood exercises. I don’t think they’re working anyway. I think it was the false hope that things would be much better here after the end of the month, but turns out that is all another Nebraskan lie. It’s still boring as shit all day long in the kitchen and furloughs are not available on work detail. No word whatsoever on work release application. Ogg rarely shows up to work – it’s hilarious that he’s dispensing work ethic goals to people. More Nebraska lies and deceit.

I’m ending the daily gratitude exercises: what a waste of time. Fuck Nebraska and may Susan die from a horrible pus-filled pox – her and her whole family.

Talked to mom and dad – that put me in a better mood. Earlier today Sgt Casarez paged me and said that mom and AH’s packets were missing a background check form. (Such is the quality of the State of Nebraska’s work – did they intentionally omit a required form when they handed it out or is it more incompetence – and does it matter which?). So I mailed them two copies – both to mom.

Talked to BJ on JPay and she said she would come to NE if I got her airfare, hotel, and a car. She asked if that meant that she was in charge of me. Ha. I said “not”.

New titles for the Nebraska book: “I, Hypocrite” or “You’re doing too much: Tales of Excess from Nebraska” or “Tales of Excess and False Justice from Nebraska”. Chapter 1: “Too much meth” (background story). Chapter 2: “Too much trust/power for police”. Chapter 3: “Too much law without justice”. Chapter 4: “Too much cookie theft” (prison). Chapter 5: “Too much humiliation”. Chapter 6: “Too much….”

Too much trust in the military-industrial complex paved the way for too much trust int he police. The last respectable Republican Dwight Eisenhower tried to warn about the dangers of a standing military and treating the military budget as a sacred cow and that it would only lead to problems. … need some thought and connectors if this is a real thesis… kind of weak, so is it even true… Now we have out-of-control police, with constant military-style surveillance, and police that see the general public as combatants or at least simply potential collateral damage. The prison industry is a $264 billion dollar industry. Industries that are immune from criticism and now their profits are becoming privatized and their risks and costs and mistakes socialized. Financial markets, auto markets, prison-industrial complex all have that no-lose luxury. For a people who are so uncritically and unapologetically capitalistic, a philosophy completely contrary to our other supposed philosophical guiding light: Christianity, we sure do hate real Capitalism. “You’re doing too much to guarantee success to certain prison-adjacent suppliers”.

New Year’s Eve – another holiday that does not exist in prison. I think they’re having cranberry sauce for dinner tomorrow – that’s about it. Oh great – the assholes in the room are cranking up their noise to full volume. Burgos has an external speaker and Gable commandeered Chewie’s TV and cranked it up. I’m sure waterboarding is worse, but psychological torture is real too. I can’t hear my own TV with headphones on it’s so loud and it’s the stupidest shit possible that they play at an intentionally disrespectful volume.