460 down, 270 to go
Happy Fucking New Year. The one good thing about 2019 (foreseeable at this point anyway) is that I’ll be able to leave this Nebraskan-infested Hell nine month from now. 460 days are complete and 270 to go. My resolution this year is simply to make it out of here alive and not too bitter and hateful. I have the other ongoing action plan of self-improvement items, but they started long before today and will continue past any calendar boundaries. I do not count any of these things as New Year resolutions.
Watching some NE commercial “1011 Cares” that says “let’s take some time to appreciate how wonderful our country is.” Haha, I guess if you’re a clueless, privileged Nebraskan.
Last night had a long conversation with Cuba(3). He was in a 5-year enlistment in Cuba when he was in his 20s. Four years into that, after coming back from fighting in Nicaragua and being forced to leave is 17yo cousin’s body on the ground, he decided to flee their military and country. He ran in Cuba for six months and then escaped to the US. He was kept on a military base for awhile and debriefed. He had a lot to say about communism and capitalism. He said he is 60 years old now. Interesting guy, but kind of hard to understand sometimes. His real name is SG.
It seems that everyone who is from Cuba gets the nickname Cuba. He’s third such Cuba that I have had a conversation with and another two that I know of in here, but never wrote about in my journal (and thus did not assign them a number). Cuba(1) was the old guy at OCC J3B wing who had the fight with C-Note (the slap fest) and Cuba(2) was LL, roommate at OCC J3B, room 4.
Talked to DP. We discussed “Deadbook” some more. I’m liking the idea. Maybe “Memorial Book” is a better name. Also sent him a birthday card today. He and J leave for Las Vegas next Friday.
Got a nice nap in – killed about two hours. Idea: make a list of movies where drug use is portrayed as a recreational activity without crime or deprivation or addiction.
Attended AA/NA meeting. It was called at about 7:25 and we started around 7:30pm. I have mixed feelings about going to these. First I feel kind of phony because I hardly believe this stuff. I don’t think my use of drugs came from anger, resentment, or emotional disturbance. I used them because they helped with weight control and they made the sex phenomenal. It also gave me more hours in the work day to get work-work and house-work done.
Tonight we talked about personal inventory and using it to make sure we don’t have strong emotions. It seems like this program is just trying to neuter people. Probably some people need this and the program works for their personality types and preferred locus of control. Ironically, we also talked about the spiritual axiom: “if you experience an emotional disturbance, the cause is always yourself”. This implies an internal locus of control, which the 12-step programs eschews (“we are powerless”). Anyway, I’m glad this program is here every week so I can avoid begging for an outside ride to a meeting. I hope I’m not being unethical by going to these meetings and just making up a false contribution. I guess I should try to be as real as possible and take what I can that is good and helpful about the program without being honest about my doubts and criticisms so I ruin the experience or create doubt for those who fully enjoy the powerlessness and exportation of responsibility. If not I will get kicked out and fail to achieve the State’s requirement to dance for them.
I’m thankful that it seems like there will be an NA/AA meeting here every week. Hopefully that will count for my the hoops I have to meet for my captors.
I’m liking this show “The Gifted” on Fox 42. Wish I had seen it from the beginning. It has “Bill” from True Blood and a hot blond guy as his mutant son. Mmmmm… he’s dreamy and I love Marvel.
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